I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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