he referred to my room as the tit cave...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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