You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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