K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i think my cat just said my name.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
