and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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