Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
