She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need a beard to bite.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
