Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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