everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
