OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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