dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
