i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
