I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
