I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize