I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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