allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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