it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
