My liver just broke up with me...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
