phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
