apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
