just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
