I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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