You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
