dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
