I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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