Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
