just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
