Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
