i already hear my dad disowning me
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
