I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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