Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
