we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
