I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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