Someone shit on the floor
if only i could text you this smell
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
