There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
