found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just puked most of my soul out..
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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