Say something about gay babies.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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