the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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