I just pynch a tree in the face
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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