if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
