I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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