girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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