guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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