I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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