MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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