You made me cry and you don't even care
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
