Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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