hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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