i can't believe i had my finger in that
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
