Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
