you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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