Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
