Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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