Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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