I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
