Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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