Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
